Silent monologue

Why is it so hard sometimes to understand your own feelings? Too much of them or are they just too similar? Maybe the question is not correct. Why is it these few weeks that I cannot be still, I get angry quickly, I want to cry often, and I laugh then there is almost no reason to. That the hell is happening to me? Just yesterday I got sooo excited about Linkin Park, one could say I even fell in love with it. How come? Yes I liked them, but now it has become an obsession. I watched their live shows, and was fascinated by their energy, their talent even, and something more, but what I can’t quite grasp. Perhaps it is their music: melody, which seems to have found its way to my very soul, the lyrics that too are somehow familiar. I am at a loss it makes me unsettled. It even seems at times that I have nowhere to go, I don’t know how can I be useful, how can someone fond of languages be of some good use? I feel myself wanting to shout at the world, I want to scream, I am mad on nothing and everything? Is this how teenage shows itself? I hate it. I am frustrated when I don’t know what to do, when I don’t know why I don’t want anything… I am now at home, the place, which should be the where I would like to return, but I don’t want, I don’t like my own home. I know that I will that have changed here after the last time, after all these years. They are still the same, playing their stupid game. At times, it seems that I won’t be able to take more of it, but somehow, I shut myself of from this stupidity, and manage to keep myself under control. But is it the right thing to do? I choose to run instead of standing up for what I believe is the right thing. I run, I am coward, a lowly coward with no opinion. I am not angry on them, because I think they don’t even are aware that they are just playing around. They don’t want to know that either. I feel bad about all of this, but somehow I hope they will find their way to sort things out. It is just so hard to see how one believes to be terribly wronged and misunderstood, and another cannot forgive for the past ‘mistakes’. Their motives differ, but both of them seek the same thing – love, companionship. The saddest thing to see for me is how he looks down at everyone, as if they were some trash flying around his feet. I hate it. I hate how he looks upon the entire world. While in truth he is so clueless, just like the child, a lonely child, who doesn’t know the taste of all, and insists to be loved and even worshiped. He is so selfish, and yet he is my father, the only one I have. Wont’ I regret later that I didn’t show him that despite everything I do love him. But in my own way, in a way he won’t understand, as he requires total devotion to him. I can’t give him that. I am not ready to give myself to anyone. But how happy he feels whenever we have a daughter and father conversation about nothing important, but still very much open, I can’t really express this feeling. He phoned and with pride said “ we just talked and bla bla”. It is only how he feels. That conversation for was nothing more that just a pretext to be allowed to go to Klaipeda. I fell badly about it. I actually expected something totally different.
So many questions plague my small head. Parents, their problems, my own personal problems, and I run away, into the world there fantasy resides. I escape into the world of books. I read a lot especially the last week. I can’t help myself, I just read, read, read. And even more questions pop up. I hope it is something that will soon pass, as I don’t want to think about the outcome of all this. I am truly afraid of what can happen, I, who had thought about myself as someone who is not a scary cat, I dread the future, though I know that everything that will bring will have bad sides as well as good ones.