It is always difficult for me to define in what I believe. Actually, I see myself standing in the middle of the crossroad. It will soon be time to decide which way to go, but as of now I still stand with little clue of where to go.
I grew up in the family in which religion was seen as a waste of time, only for those who didn’t have better things to do. There was no God in our home, only the belief that hard work is the purpose of the entire life. I am not sure how my parents dealt with the void of bigger purpose, but I found myself comforted by the mystical nature around me. I believed that nature was a thing controlling our lives. It was not something like paganism, I believed in nature as a single unity of everything. I saw how perfectly balanced it was, and prayed that my life could be similar.
However, years later, when I moved to live in the city, I began to notice that a lot of small, at first glance even insignificant, accidents, which we tend to call coincidences occurred and had a great impact on my life. The sheer number of these accidents suggests that it is not merely a coincidence, rather I think it just an illusion of one and therefore I believe that there must be something or someone guiding us somewhere. I sometimes allow myself to dream that maybe I am just a small peace of some larger picture, just like a screw bolt in some machine; I am not to understand what machine it is or what will its purpose be. But, the fact that maybe I won’t ever find out what my purpose in life is, despite being somewhat depressing doesn’t hinder me in my journey, as still even a mere screw bolt is necessary for the machine to be complete.
So, today I can say that I believe in some Being beyond me, maybe it is the Christian God; maybe it still doesn’t have a name. I am not yet able to see what it is.